How the Abuser’s Thinking Works: Psychological Portrait, Phrases, and Signs

Abusers don’t simply wake up one fine day and decide to become cruel. It’s a gradual process that begins with a deeply ingrained belief that they are superior to others. This belief manifests in controlling and manipulative behaviors.

Abusers employ various tactics to control those close to them, including emotional, financial, sexual, and physical violence. They may also use threats, intimidation, and isolation to maintain control.

The essence of it is that abusers believe they have the right to control other people. They view them as possessions or property to be used and abused at their discretion. This distorted mindset forms the basis of any form of violence.

Types of abuse

Abuse can take various forms, which is why it is classified into four main types:

• Physical abuse: causing physical harm to close individuals.
• Emotional abuse: emotional violence that inflicts harm.
• Financial abuser: someone who takes money from close individuals without permission or spends money solely on themselves without considering close people.
• Verbal abuser: someone who uses words to hurt, such as name-calling, criticism, yelling, threatening, or shaming.

This article is based on these four types of abuse.

A psychological portrait of an abuser

What goes on in an abuser’s mind, driving them to behave this way? Can it be attributed to illness or seen as a side effect of mental health issues?

In short, no. Mental illnesses are not the cause of violence. Many people with mental disorders do not engage in violence against close individuals.

Abusers often share common psychological traits to be mindful of when assessing one’s environment. To understand the abuser’s mindset, let’s create their psychological portrait:

1. They are intolerant

Intolerant individuals do not respect the opinions, views, or behavior of others. They are full of prejudices. This leads them to react aggressively, defensively, and rudely because abusers believe there is no reason to hinder the dominance of their own will. They tend to exhibit sexism.

2. Initially, they are charming

At the beginning of an acquaintance, such people are charming. Abusers know how to present themselves, and their true selves may not surface immediately. When trust in another person builds, that’s when they exhibit destructive behavior.

3. They are authoritarian

Abusers like order, but from a subjective perspective, based on their personal criteria. It doesn’t matter whether they are right or not, because if you don’t comply with them, they become angry.

4. They are psychologically rigid

These individuals possess rigid thinking and pursue a single truth—their own. Abusers do not engage in dialogue and do not seek consensus. They are afraid to yield to the opinions of others because they believe they are the only ones who are right. Anything that does not align with their thinking is considered wrong.

On the other hand, abusers tend to think in relatively rigid and impenetrable categories, allowing them to show little empathy towards others, even when there is a basis for it.

5. They possess dichotomous thinking

Being psychologically rigid means that for them, everything is either good or bad. There is no middle ground. In other words, it’s all black or all white. This happens because, typically, abusers grew up in families where they were also treated this way.

6. They are blackmailers

This type of individual always acts in accordance with their interests, and they accuse, inconvenience, and instill fear in the victim of blackmail. Abusers often make the victim feel guilty for things she didn’t even do or for something she did that was not necessarily wrong.

7. They do not engage in self-criticism

Because abusers believe that there is only one truth, they do not know how to handle criticism. This is because any criticism is perceived as a personal rebuke to their personality and their way of interpreting reality. They do not consider the possibility that criticism could be constructive input.

Victims of their violence pay the price for their lack of social skills and feelings of inadequacy, becoming the scapegoat.

Psychological abusers do not engage in self-criticism, at least not systematically, until they are confronted with an experience that forces them to radically change their perspective.

8. Instead, they criticize

Even if these individuals do not engage in self-criticism, they easily criticize others. They seek out flaws in another person and emotionally suppress them with their weaknesses, even inventing weaknesses to make the victim feel bad.

This is not constructive criticism but rather an action aimed at making someone feel bad to enjoy their reaction or submission.

9. They change their mood in seconds

Mood swings are a common occurrence for this type of individual, who can transition from a pleasant state to anger or fury in a matter of seconds. As a result, they can live at both extremes, oscillating between charming and dreadful individuals.

10. They are easily offended

These mood swings are often linked to their heightened sensitivity and the fact that they are usually easily offended. It has already been mentioned that if something doesn’t align with the abuser’s truth, it’s considered wrong.

11. Isolation of the victim

Isolating the victim from family and friends is one of the goals an abuser pursues to compel the victim into complete submission. The idea is for the victim to feel threatened and fearful of talking to other people.

12. They are cruel and unfeeling

The psychological cruelty of the abuser typically extends not only to the victim but, for instance, to their children, and they may even inflict physical harm on pets. These are cruel and unfeeling individuals.

Phrases of the abuser

Understanding the psychology of an abuser and what drives them is not sufficient to avoid their negative influence. They can adeptly manipulate and conceal their intentions.

To learn to quickly recognize an abuser, it’s important to remember key phrases that give them away. These will serve as a signal for you to be cautious around the person.

These phrases can be used to control and manipulate you. Here are some primary examples:

“I’m really sorry; I’ll never do it again.”

This is a classic example of an abuser’s apology. They may say they’re sorry, but in reality, they will never change their behavior. It’s a way to placate you and keep you in their grip.

“You react too sensitively.”

This is another manipulative method used by an abuser. They try to make you believe that your feelings are invalid and that you’re reacting too sensitively to their behavior. This is a way to make you doubt yourself and keep you under their control.

“You have paranoia.”

A way to intimidate you and make you doubt your own perception. The abuser wants you to believe that you have paranoia or madness, when in reality, you’re simply seeing the cruelty for what it is.

“You can’t please you.”

When an abuser wants to please in some way but doesn’t see the proper gratitude or hears criticism, they use this phrase.

“Your friends don’t cover for you the way I do.”

An abuser benefits from isolating the victim from friends, family, and support networks. This way, there will be no one around to witness the cruel behavior or help the victim safely end the relationship. Abusers often discourage you from socializing with friends who, they claim, don’t have your best interests at heart and persuade you to spend as much one-on-one time with them as possible.

“Why are you making a mountain out of a molehill?”

An emotional abuser will ignore the issue and shift it onto you.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

This type of abuser is also referred to as a gaslighter. Gaslighters make you doubt your own judgments, memories, and sense of reality. When you bring up an accusation based on something you’ve experienced, gaslighters will tell you that it never happened or that you have a poor memory.

“Everyone thinks you’re crazy.”

Once the gaslighter makes you doubt your own perception, they will convince you that other people also consider you mentally unstable, further undermining your self-confidence.

It’s important to remember that these phrases are just a way to control and manipulate you, and you should not accept them.

Signs of an abuser

Besides the primary signals in the form of phrases, an abuser’s behavior can also reveal their nature. Here are a few common thinking patterns of an abuser to watch out for:

1. The abuser perceives you as an object, not as a person

The abuser may view you as something to be used and controlled, rather than as a person with your own thoughts and feelings. This can lead to them treating you as property rather than with love and respect.

2. The abuser believes that violence is acceptable

The abuser may believe that using violence in relationships, whether physical, emotional, or verbal, is normal. They may see violence as a normal and acceptable way to solve problems or express anger.

3. The abuser believes they have the right to control you

The abuser may think they have the right to control your life and that you are obligated to do what they say. They may believe they know what’s best for you and that you should trust and obey them.

4. The abuser lacks confidence in themselves and perceives you as a threat

The abuser may lack self-confidence and perceive you as a threat to their ego. They may be threatened by your success, independence, or ability to think for yourself.

5. The abuser manipulates.

The abuser may use manipulation techniques to control you. For example, gaslighting, guilt-tripping, or making threats to harm themselves if you don’t do what they want. They may also try to isolate you from friends and family, make you feel like you’re going crazy, or react too sensitively.

Recognizing an abuser is easy

To identify an abuser, simply answer these questions:

• Does the person regularly belittle or criticize you?
• Are they trying to control what you do, who you see, or where you go?
• Do they try to impose their point of view on everything?
• Are they excessively jealous or possessive?
• Do they threaten violence when they are angry with you (even if they haven’t harmed you)?
• Have they ever caused harm or threatened to harm others to intimidate you?

If any of the above sound familiar to you, please seek help. No one deserves to be treated cruelly.