Why People Betray – The Psychology of Betrayal
Betrayal can occur in any relationship. The intensity of a relationship determines the level of emotional stress caused by betrayal. The more intense the relationship, the stronger the emotions from betrayal.
The consequences of betrayal can range from disappointment in less developed relationships to post-traumatic stress in more intense ones. The long-term effects of betrayal vary for everyone, but no one can escape the hurt and bitterness that linger behind.
What to do in such situations? How can one survive betrayal and heal? Is it possible to ever forgive a betrayer?
Whether it’s betrayal by a family member, best friend, partner, or someone entirely different, the steps you can take to overcome the pain inflicted upon you are roughly the same.
Trust – the key component of all relationships
Without trust, betrayal is impossible. Only those you trust can betray you. The emotional impact of betrayal increases depending on the level of trust you had in the person who betrayed you.
The emotional impact of betrayal can range from disappointment in less intense relationships and disgust due to the lack of honesty from the betrayer to the fear of losing close relationships, especially romantic ones. Trust is fragile. Restoring trust is challenging.
When people are betrayed, they often consciously or unconsciously seek revenge. The world of the betrayed person suddenly destabilizes, often leading to grief, a sense of loss, and depression. Revenge is a form of “justice” or “fairness” that can restore the crumbling world.
Revenge not only destroys the target of revenge but also the one seeking revenge. It drains emotional energy that could otherwise be spent on recovering from betrayal and seeking new, more stable relationships.
Another consequence of betrayal is the fear of experiencing emotional trauma again
To avoid recurring emotional pain, a person who has been betrayed often erects emotional walls, preventing others from getting too close.
Individuals hiding behind emotional walls often sabotage relationships that become too intense to avoid the possibility of betrayal in the future. They frequently experience loneliness and isolation. The pain of loneliness and isolation is less intense than the pain of betrayal.
The pain of loneliness and betrayal often mutates into a victim mentality, providing a sense of emotional comfort. The problem with hiding behind emotional walls is that the constrained individual often finds themselves in a predicament. They desire close personal relationships with others but are reluctant to form new connections, fearing the possibility of another emotional catastrophe.
Emotional walls provide security but deny a person the chance to experience true happiness that comes from close relationships with others. Betrayal is inherent in human relationships. It cannot be avoided. Avoiding close relationships is not the solution.
Building and maintaining personal relationships are learning processes
Past failures serve as a guide for future behavior. Eventually, through trial and error, people learn what works for them and what does not. Betrayal is part of the learning process.
Every day, people navigate busy streets, aware they could get hit by a car, suffer severe injuries, or even die. People get into cars without contemplating the possibility of an accident. Every day, individuals board planes, acknowledging the potential for the plane to suddenly fall from the sky.
People engage in risky behavior because the benefits far outweigh the possibility of catastrophic failure. Accepting the possibility of betrayal in personal relationships is just another risk in the long list of risky behaviors people undertake every day.
The pain of betrayal is unavoidable. However, knowing the emotional consequences of betrayal before it happens often mitigates the pain. Accepting the fact that betrayal is a normal part of life reduces its emotional intensity.
If there is a positive side to betrayal, it lies in the following:
True happiness makes no sense without experiencing genuine sorrow.
How to survive betrayal
We can steer our lives back to normalcy despite someone else doing us wrong. But it’s crucial to go through these steps so that we can genuinely heal and move forward.
Make time for grief
Undoubtedly, thoughts and emotions will overwhelm you when experiencing betrayal. Betrayal inevitably comes with a sense of loss, whether it’s the loss of trust in a partner, the envisioned future, or a part of what makes you who you are.
To heal, you must grieve. If you’ve heard of the five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—you know that grieving is a painful process. However, the only way out is to go through it—through the pain, through the highs and lows. Allowing these thoughts and emotions to ebb and flow will enable you to effectively process what happened, resulting in less pain in the future.
Acknowledge what happened
One behavioral reaction to betrayal is avoidance and denial of the situation. This can be a natural and often subconscious response to protect oneself from the stress caused by the situation. However, avoidance can trap you in a relationship or situation that is toxic and hinder you from communicating your needs.
It is important to acknowledge and comprehend what has happened, not only to address the short-term issue but also to ensure happiness and peace in the future.
When betrayal occurs, taking time for reflection is crucial. This may involve distancing yourself from the person (physically and digitally) to understand how their actions have affected you and whether you want to continue the relationship.
Journaling is an excellent way to reflect. I recommend starting with these questions:
- What happened? How were you betrayed?
- What did you feel as a result of the betrayal?
- What are the long-term consequences of the betrayal? (e.g., relationship termination, loss of significant material value, etc.)
Forgive yourself
Recently, I came across a quote that says, “Forgive yourself for the blindness that allowed others to betray you. Sometimes a kind heart doesn’t see the bad.”
Despite what your mind or even another person tells you, the betrayal was not your fault. Perhaps there were other actions on the path to betrayal that you may not be proud of, but that is not a justification for someone else to cause you pain.
An exercise I would like you to try is to write yourself a forgiveness letter. Write a letter to the person you were at that time. Say that you forgive them, that they will overcome challenges and learn from their mistakes, and that they are a good person.
Your forgiveness letter can be something you turn to when you feel responsible for someone else’s choices. Forgive yourself for not seeing that you deserve better, so you can discover the people and experiences you truly deserve.
Make a choice
After we’ve come to terms with what has happened and how the betrayer’s choice has altered our lives, we need to make our own choice.
Should we attempt to restore the relationship? Or should we sever ties altogether? How do we decide what to do?
Here are a few questions to ask yourself (and answer honestly):
- Was the betrayal hurtful or uncomfortable?
- What is the benefit of rebuilding the relationship? What does the other person need to do to mend the relationship?
- Is this a one-time behavior? Does the other person seek forgiveness? What makes this person and the relationship worthy of forgiveness?
- Will continuing the relationship allow you to experience happiness and joy? Or will you resent this person and fixate on what happened if they remain part of your life?
- Can you move forward?
If making decisions is challenging for you, read an article about making important decisions and choices in life.
When making this choice, we must remember that we are our number one priority. We must prioritize our happiness and well-being above all else.
Choose – communicate or quietly leave
If you’ve decided to end the relationship, talking may not be necessary. However, if you feel that it will bring you more peace to communicate your decision, then it’s worth doing.
But conversation is crucial if you want to rebuild the relationship. This conversation is about preserving your happiness, and it’s very important to discuss how the betrayer’s actions caused you pain, as well as your desires and needs for the future.
Before starting this conversation, it’s important to understand in advance how you want to communicate. I suggest taking a journal and answering the following questions:
- What would you like to say to the person who betrayed your trust?
- Why did the betrayer’s actions cause you pain?
- What will happen if the betrayer decides to behave similarly again?
- Why do you want to rebuild the relationship?
- What do you want and need from them moving forward?
When you initiate the conversation, I recommend addressing all the points outlined in the answers to these questions. This will allow effective communication so that the other person clearly understands your priorities and is willing to invest time and effort into rectifying their wrongs.
Move forward after betrayal
To move forward, you must acknowledge that you deserve better and can find something better.
After navigating through challenging situations, moving forward requires a period of reflection to gain clarity on how you will handle betrayal if it occurs again. Here are some prompts for reflection:
- How would you deal with betrayal in the future?
- What kind of relationships do you want to have?
- What people and experiences do you deserve in this life?
Perhaps it’s not immediately apparent how you can move forward, but with the support of a system, others can show you what you deserve and help you discover what you truly want in the future. It’s crucial to lean on your support system. This could be a therapist, coach, other friends, or family members. We always need an external perspective on our lives.
